Dear Mitt Romney: Eat My Ladycock

Even though I don't have time to eat lately, I couldn't let this bullshit go without commentary.

While watching my authors' and coworkers' Twitter feeds the last few weeks, I saw reactions to the RNC and DNC speeches as they were happening. Mostly snarky, often smart, sometimes just...confusing.

But one question stood out when the RNC was over: where was the support for the troops? My @snarkynavywife feed blew up with tweeps asking why the party most closely associated with the military, the party so many service members and their families assume means funding raises rather than cuts (which is high-larious in itself), didn't talk about war and Afghanistan. They didn't talk about wounded warriors and the VA. They didn't talk about military families and military suicides.

I didn't watch, so I couldn't verify. But never! thought I. They wouldn't be that fuckdiculous! thought I. And then, sweet plastic Hugh Jackman, article after article emerged saying the same thing my Twitter feed was going so splody over. In fact, there are two times the military is directly mentioned, and here they are:

[Obama's] trillion-dollar cuts to our military will eliminate hundreds of thousands of jobs, and also put our security at greater risk.

That America, that united America, will preserve a military that is so strong, no nation would ever dare to test it.

Yup, that's it. Contrast that with the speeches given by Michelle Obama and Dr. Biden, champions of military families, and by the President himself, and you'll see some pretty motherfucking stunning shit.

This is kinda meh, though. I mean, really. Big surprise. Mr. Corporate Cut-throat probably sees the military not as a force to command and his potential role not as Commander in Chief, but rather as just another stable of expendable employees and as the dude who's going to find the most profitable [for him] use of the military. Am I overblowing it? Yeah, likely. But really, it's been clear for ages that he really doesn't give a flying, furry fuck.

And then he had to go and open his million-dollar mouth to explain the decision not to discuss the troops.  And OH THE GLORY. Behold! For this is Un. Fucking. Real. Only, grab your ass and hang on, especially if you were on the verge of prairie dogging.






How about them apples? Didn't understand what he was getting at around all his "Ermahgerd Armurricans Are Durmb" hickdicking? Allow me to transcribe and translate!

1. "I only regret you repeating it day in and day out."
2. "When you give a speech, you don't go through a laundry list. You talk about the things you think are important, and I described in my speech my commitment to a strong military."
3. "I didn't use the word 'troops.' I used the word 'military.' I think they refer to the same thing."

Har har har! Yes, so fucking funny. It's ridiculous how people are attacking Mitt over such ridiculous things! Oh, wait. We're all dumb Amurricans who can't see through his speshul Mitt glamour. Lucky for you, I managed to banish the glamour and conjure a fucking translation. And here's what he's telling us:

Thing the First: When questioned whether he regrets omitting mention of the military, his answer is an emphatic no with some laughter sprinkled in. Oh the ridiculousness of such a thing! Hurrdy-hurr! Regret neglecting the very men and women you want to command? Ha haa! Never. He only regrets that people won't shut the fuck up about it. Kinda like they won't shut up about his income tax returns (and let's not even jump into fucking Ann Romney and her classist infantilization of most of the country aka "you people").

In other words, not only did he not talk about the troops, the families, the war, expectations and moving forward at the fucking Republican National Convention--at which we typically expect to hear the platform, the way forward, the intentions, the hopes, etc.--but he wants you to STFU already because he has way more important things to consider.

Thing the Second: The troops, the war, the well-being of those sacrificing for our country...these are laundry list items of no import. Literally. Not important. Because if it were important, it would have been mentioned in the speech.

Also, a commitment to a strong military is commitment to a strong show of force in a time of conflict and a strong presence in a time of peace, mostly to act as a reminder that we won't take shit off anyone.

Thing the Third: Troops are not military. Troops make up the military. Troops work, live, and die in the military. The military is the force, the institution, the complex collection of roles and responsibilities. It is not the people who are dying and losing body parts and losing full function of their minds from brain trauma and losing their ability to hold onto inner peace and calm and forgiveness for the horrors they endured in war. The military is the vehicle. The troops are the people inside. And if Romney wants to be the driver, he'd better fucking realize the value of the people in the back seat and not try to, you know, strap some to the roof.

This shit? Is no bueno. It is epic amounts of twatfuckelry, cuntcannonry, taintlickery, and douchedreggery. It would be one thing to say, "Yeah, we fucked up, but we figured the night before when the convention was going on and most eyes were turned in that direction was good enough. Clearly, we were wrong, and we do support the troops and we are committed to bringing them home and giving everyone a chance to diddle the wife or pork the husband and pet the dog."

Instead, what we got was "Yeah, we hear you, enough already. We were right. We're always right. And if you're too smart to see through the English language Jedi mind trick I'm attempting, then you're in on this joke anyway, so join me while I laugh. Hurr hurr hurr. Now excuse me while I ship some jobs overseas."

So my darling Governor Romney, I invite you to partake of my ladycock. And when you're done, show some love to the troops you so revile. Offer to take it up the ass sans lube as a show of solidarity with those of us who regularly get the shaft with no reacharound. Offer to suck some ladycock.Offer to cup some beans and stroke some franks. Hell, offer to pay for a raise for everyone in the military out of your Swiss bank accounts! Show us some love, even if it's only pretty, pretty words because that's the only way I'll believe you actually give a shit about the troops.