On his first ship, a frigate charged with counter-drug ops and whatever extra underways the captain could volunteer them for in order to get away from his obnoxious trophy wife*, they had a huge issue with nailing necessities. They were never fully manned because the ship was a reserve frigate, so they only had their full contingent one weekend a month and for a couple weeks in the summer. They also had no cash. Their budget discussions, every quarter, would end in a debate about whether they should buy paint to keep the ship from rusting or toilet paper. They always bought the paint.
YodaMan's care packages and deployment kits often included toilet paper. And air freshener. Because of all the "cremains" he had to stow in his state room, when he had one.
His anniversary gift this year was a tiny load from our favorite online store, Think Geek. Specifically, I gave him this t-shirt and a few other tidbits, pictured below. I know, I'm so romantic, giving him deployment readiness shit for anniversary. It's how I roll.
Last night, we had Date Night, and at the end, he was telling me about a guy on the ship who is apparently a very good guy but who is still a bit high strung after the hell everyone endured under the last CO. Specifically, this guy likes to give YodaMan orders. But, yanno, he's got no order-like leg to stand on since they're equals in the food chain. So according to YodaMan, when he gets an order, he tells the dude, "Duly Noted. And then he says he'll just write that order down in his "sparkly notebook right next to the glitter and My Little Pony stickers." He may have said something more, but the image set me off so that I couldn't stop cackling.
Needless to say, today I felt compelled to make that notebook a reality and hereby complete the Deployment Preparedness Kit.
Here's the final kit.
|The whole enchilada! Minus the sexy t-shirt, natch.|
|The Notebook: Duly Noted|
|For the diva who has everything.|
|Click your heels three times, OPS.|
|Where rainbow becomes a euphemism for cumtard.|
|Glitter + Rhinestones = I'll Get My Wish|
Okay, enough of the brilliance inside. Not photographed was the purple glitter pen that goes with this book. I almost attached it with a special glittery ribbon, but that's just a choking hazard waiting to happen.
Next up, the obligatory mug, which will be either completely grimy and disgusting by deployment's end or will break before halfway day arrives.
|Fight the Waves! No. Flavor the Water! Um, no, not it. Figure Time Wins! What? Fake Tech Wings! Hmm.|
He regularly gets paperwork that's all kinds of fucked up. He actually had to send an official e-mail out to his guys about the difference between a "hangar bay" and a "hanger bay." No, I'm not kidding.
|Hello Kitty thinks you're stupid.|
For folks who just piss him the fuck off, we have a very special bit of torture. The Evil-Tron is the size of a quarter and has bizarre noises. My favorite is a tiny voice whispering, "Can you hear me?" I also love the creepy kid laughter. Win! Even the cat felt compelled to help model it.
|Moose-i-fur says: WTF? Why this no smell like salmon?|
When he goes to staff meetings, he'll love to use these dice to answer the "how do you plan to fix this system?" questions.
|Weighted dice? Or the hand of karma?|
And there you have it. I'll probably also send toilet paper and Febreeze, for old time's sake. But I probably won't send a dick cozy, which is something I actually shipped to him his first deployment. That went over well.
* or so I heard.