Sunday, January 8, 2012

Deployment Preparedness

 Since I get to hear some awesome stories about douchebaggery that takes place aboard YodaMan's ship, I'm often in a position to offer some fun tidbits that might make his job a bit brighter. Of course, you can only polish a turd so much before the shine gives way to a big fucking mess all over your hands and oh-my-god-how-did-it-get-in-my-hair.

On his first ship, a frigate charged with counter-drug ops and whatever extra underways the captain could volunteer them for in order to get away from his obnoxious trophy wife*, they had a huge issue with nailing necessities. They were never fully manned because the ship was a reserve frigate, so they only had their full contingent one weekend a month and for a couple weeks in the summer. They also had no cash. Their budget discussions, every quarter, would end in a debate about whether they should buy paint to keep the ship from rusting or toilet paper. They always bought the paint.

YodaMan's care packages and deployment kits often included toilet paper. And air freshener. Because of all the "cremains" he had to stow in his state room, when he had one.

His anniversary gift this year was a tiny load from our favorite online store, Think Geek. Specifically, I gave him this t-shirt and a few other tidbits, pictured below. I know, I'm so romantic, giving him deployment readiness shit for anniversary. It's how I roll.

Last night, we had Date Night, and at the end, he was telling me about a guy on the ship who is apparently a very good guy but who is still a bit high strung after the hell everyone endured under the last CO. Specifically, this guy likes to give YodaMan orders. But, yanno, he's got no order-like leg to stand on since they're equals in the food chain. So according to YodaMan, when he gets an order, he tells the dude, "Duly Noted. And then he says he'll just write that order down in his "sparkly notebook right next to the glitter and My Little Pony stickers." He may have said something more, but the image set me off so that I couldn't stop cackling.

Needless to say, today I felt compelled to make that notebook a reality and hereby complete the Deployment Preparedness Kit.

Here's the final kit.
The whole enchilada! Minus the sexy t-shirt, natch.
The t-shirt missing from this photo has a back story. Wanna hear it? Great! So YodaMan was called from his rack during an emergency one night on their underway. The CO saw him and gave him a strange look, then shook his head. YM had no idea what that was about until he realized he was scampering about in his nighty, which was this t-shirt, also from Think Geek. Be sure to check out the back of the shirt. That's apparently what prompted the head shake from the CO.

The Notebook: Duly Noted
I tried to make sure the notebook looked like a stampede of My Little Ponies took a crap on it. It's a composition notebook underneath all that glitter. Here are some shots of the inside pages:

For the diva who has everything.


Click your heels three times, OPS.

Where rainbow becomes a euphemism for cumtard.

Glitter + Rhinestones = I'll Get My Wish

Okay, enough of the brilliance inside. Not photographed was the purple glitter pen that goes with this book. I almost attached it with a special glittery ribbon, but that's just a choking hazard waiting to happen.

Next up, the obligatory mug, which will be either completely grimy and disgusting by deployment's end or will break before halfway day arrives.

Fight the Waves! No. Flavor the Water! Um, no, not it. Figure Time Wins! What? Fake Tech Wings! Hmm.

He regularly gets paperwork that's all kinds of fucked up. He actually had to send an official e-mail out to his guys about the difference between a "hangar bay" and a "hanger bay." No, I'm not kidding.
Hello Kitty thinks you're stupid.

For folks who just piss him the fuck off, we have a very special bit of torture. The Evil-Tron is the size of a quarter and has bizarre noises. My favorite is a tiny voice whispering, "Can you hear me?" I also love the creepy kid laughter. Win! Even the cat felt compelled to help model it.

Moose-i-fur says: WTF? Why this no smell like salmon?

When he goes to staff meetings, he'll love to use these dice to answer the "how do you plan to fix this system?" questions.

Weighted dice? Or the hand of karma?

And there you have it. I'll probably also send toilet paper and Febreeze, for old time's sake. But I probably won't send a dick cozy, which is something I actually shipped to him his first deployment. That went over well.

* or so I heard.


Tiffany said...

I love the book, it's perfect. May he have a safe deployment. I'll be getting my back from an LHD version of your Frigate. (On the "volunteers for everything" front that is...)

To the Nth said...

You, madam, are full of a nearly unallowable amount of win. :-D

Mrs. Squirrel said...

That notebook is all that is awesome.

Tsoniki said...

OMG that is awesome. Did you accidentally make two? If so, I will take the other set off your hands.

L. said...

Your are our generation's Lisa Frank. (And I mean that as a compliment.)

Slightly_Rifted said...

This gift is EPIC! Seriously awesome! Thank you for making my day!

Another Long Day said...

Thank you! I actually laughed out loud. I'm glad I'm not the only ones who sends things like this to my husband on deployment.
I'm just starting my own blogging, but it's more random than anything. I'm so glad I stumbled across yours!