Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Does Wil Wheaton Love Amurrica?

As the USS Enterprise (CVN-65) preps for its last deployment, I have a sad. It's not that I'm bummed about 7+ months foregoing sex, adult conversation, and a resident bug-squisher. It's that all my Enterprise jokes will end not long after, when the ship decommissions.

I love the Enterprise. I own this pizza cutter, after all. We don't even use it for pizza. No. It's the centerpiece of our Star Trek altar, where we worship every day. It's like a simultaneous athame and idol, and it totally fucking rawks.

YodaMan told me recently that there was talk about asking William, Lord Shatner to preside over the humble end of the latest water-bound version of the Enterprise. I fear what might come of that, however. Also, I cheered when Captain Kirk died ("It was.....................fun.") in ST: Generations. It was a spectacularly bland ending to a spectacularly underwhelming character.

This is why we can't have nice things.

I'm not talking about the reboot Kirk - oh no, for therein lies so fucking much potential for squishy, gnarly m/m slash. And other things. Ahem.

If the Enterprise retirement coordinator gives a crap about the sailors, s/he'll invite Wil Wheaton to be a guest at the retirement ceremony. If s/he doesn't give a crap, I will declare her/him a taintraider.

If Wil Wheaton loves America, he'll accept that invitation. Like Justin Timberlake loves America enough to go to a Marine ball. Do you hear me, Mr. Wheaton? Do you love America? Do you love this country like Justin Timberlake loves this country?

Do you?

America loves you, Mr. Wheaton. We love you like we love the latest tech toys. Like we love butter wrapped in bacon wrapped in crack wrapped in Krispy Kreme. Like we love swinging our big red, white, and blue peen of republicness and starting wars because, hell, what better do we have to do?

Also, I have a couple degrees of separation from you. I went to Klein Oak a year behind this guy on a sitcom you sometimes show up in.

And I happen to have counted exactly three degrees of separation thanks to one of my mentors, an awesometastic writer of sci fi and m/m. Hollah, Anne!

If Wil Wheaton loves America, he might also bring some of his pals to partay on the Enterprise before it goes to mothball and undignified scrap - not necessary, but would further the awesome. Friends like Levar and Michael. Like Denise and Brent. Like Patrick, even, if I can get a wutwut. And, sure, we'll let Jonathan join in. We're cool that way. But, of course, this depends on how much Wil loves America.

Naturally, whether this invite goes out depends on They Who Plan. Do They have enough awesomesauce in their souls to believe in Wil? Do They love America? Or will They choose to believe the best crew of the starship Enterprise did not include a certain Ensign full of vim and vigor (or, in Navy parlance, young, dumb, and full of cum) whose crazy antics and need for paternal direction from Captain Picard resonated with all us sprogs of the X Generation?

Who loves America?

And who loves the Enterprise?*

In other news, I bought this [ETA: from this Etsy page], and I shall wear it to every FRG meeting and trip to the commissary between now and blessed retirement.

You want a piece of liberal milspouse? Come and get it, motherfucker.
If you're ever near a military mcthing and see a very short person walking around with this necklace, come say hey. Because that will be moi.

*This bitch! Except, of course, when it forces long terms of celibacy and isolation from adult conversation.


Feminist Military Spouse said...

OMG where did you find that necklace? It is full of WIN, no EPIC WIN!

the Derpster said...

Link to where you purchased this amazing piece of jewelry? Pretty please?

liberal army wife said...

if you get Patrick Stewart - I will be there with major bells on...

Amanda said...

That necklace is AWESOME!

Jennifer said...

Don't worry. The ship may be getting ready to decom, but it won't happen anytime soon. I don't know about you, but we're tied to this duty station for at least another, oh, 4 years? Something like that. This is hubster's second time stationed on this ship, so at this point I can't imagine going anywhere else.

Never fear, the ship may not deploy again after this, but there will be years and years of Enterprise jokes to be had. Besides, how long do you think it'll take them to christen another ship Enterprise?

Anchored Away said...

Seriously, Jennifer?! Wow! I'm stunned a detailer dropped him here for four. The plans YM has brought up make it sound like 2013 will be the draw down of personnel, and by the end of that year, it will be skeleton crew prepping it to be dragged whereverthefuck and dumped.

I hope the next Enterprise is a starship. *eyelash flutter*

Are you going to the holiday party tomorrow night?

Jennifer said...

Sorry, I totally didn't get your message until just now. I did go to the holiday party, twas a blast. I particularly liked the photo booths. lol

My guy is a nuke, and I guess they're really gonna need them to stick around. Not only did they drop him there for 4, but they're trying to get him to extend for a year. Which actually would put us here until 2015. Crazy, huh?

Stephanie said...

Ha! I'm new to your blog (just clicked over from Unlikely Wife - I'm your newest follower) and I snorted a few times at this post. Good luck on your Wil Wheaton campaign! (And yes...that is one awesome necklace.)

digtoesin said...

Will you please, please, please pretty, pretty, please LIGHT THE NAVY up verbally about the awfulness that is the ERB? I tried... but I'm just not as good at these things as you are.

And on topic... I hope Wil Wheaton hears your plea and also your degress of separation from Sheldon make me happy.

nomorediaperbags said...

I love you. Fo' realsies. We aren't even on a ship right now, but Wil Wheaton better the fuck love America!

anchoredhearts said...

Bahahah. This is great. Glad I found your blog. From a fellow Navy wife :)

Sailor Jane said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUx2C7Pn7ZE&feature=related USS Make Shit Up by Voltaire. I've never seen Star Trek, I'm more of a Star Wars girl. My buddy Wiltsey, he showed me this vid n I laughed my ass off.

Sailor Jane said...

Also. That song gets stuck in your head like crazy. I am TAD to the geedunk and occasionally sing it with gusto. The AT's think its halarious. I also like to sing The Prowler Song. Someone at my squadron wrote it a while ago. Youtube it.