New and Improved! 98% Bollocks Free!

I didn't quite have 10 whole things, more for lack of brain juice lately than anything else, so all I had to do to both round out my already impeccably shitty day and round out this list was read this post's comments. 'Sright, folks. People really do think these things.

So now, without further ado, I bring you.... 10 Things You Should NEVER Say to a Milspouse, On Threat of Evisceration and Possible Dismemberment:

1. "Wow! That went fast!" accompanied by one of the following: "I can't believe he's back already!" or "Only one more year to go. Piece of cake!"
   
2. "Why can't you move here?"
   
3. "Well, at least she'll only be gone for [insert a deployment/underway time frame]."
   
4. "He volunteered and knew what he was getting into, so don't be pissed that he got extended another four months."
   
5. "You're so lucky! You get money for housing on top of that enormous salary!"
   
6. "How many people did he get to kill?"
7. "I always wanted to see the world like you get to, and never mind my career, my kids' sense of stability, or my independence...."
8. "Why would he sign up knowing he could get sent over there?"
9. "Har-har-huh-har! You're going to Colorado Springs? Har-har-har. Bet that place is just et up with ships!"
10. "Honey, just because you're married to the military and therefore an unpaid employee of said service doesn't mean you should get the same benefits your spouse does."
11. Bonus: "A good milspouse doesn't burden her soldier/sailor/marine with her hopes, dreams, fears, desires, wishes, or daily angst. Shut up so he can keep his mind on the only important thing: his career!!!"
    

Thanks to Kimba, Bette, Val, LAW, Trying, Anne, and Jrzy, plus Ms. Laura Dempsey, who wrote an amazing article.

Writer Squee!

I entered a paranormal romance in a contest hosted by Bookends Literary Agency last week. They judged the entries based only on the first 100 words of each book, and this morning, they announced the honorable mentions.

::drumroll::

My para-rom Hex Appeal was one of those honorable mentions. If the planet suddenly shifts on its axis today, know it was because of the ferocity of the happy dance I am now performing. :)

You can see all the honorable mentions and the very deserving winning entry at the Bookends blog.

10 Things You Should Never Say to a Milspouse

I have a dirty little secret: I love trolling the page hits to see what crazy search terms people plugged into Google to get to this blog. It's like crack - I get up in the morning and I just. Have. To. Know.

One that just popped up onto my radar was "10 things you should never say to a navy wife." First, nothing was mispelled, so I wooted over that. Second, I thought it was a funny little search term. I guess someone was looking for something funny to offer up to others.

I've never seen anything like it, and I'm sure anything that might be out there can't be anywhere near as good as what *we* can come up with. So let's give it a shot. Post a few things that you think could go on that list in the comments here, and we'll cobble the best ones into a list (where "best" means I either laugh out loud or nod in solemn agreement). So let 'er rip! Post your own ideas about what people should never say to us dependent types. ;)

Recording for posterity

I just needed to record some goings-on here in our crappy little neighborhood in case this comes back to me later. Ignore if you have no desire to hear rantings about the trash we have for neighbors.

There has been a gaggle of teenagers/pre-teens sitting in the common area for the last three or more hours (since before I returned home around 1:15). Those kids have been yelling obscenities loud enough that I could hear it in my house. About 4:15, the noise got louder, and I looked outside as I was trying to rock my child back to nap, and I saw one of the boys climbing the white wood canopy over the picnic tables and hanging from the roof portion. A few minutes later, another two boys were climbing the gate and standing on the stonework beside the gate, one spitting into the common area.

At this point, I grabbed my video camera, which unfortunately didn't have a CD loaded in it (which I will obviously remedy since I don't trust these kids further than I can throw their trashy parents), and began attempting to tape. When the child on the stonework saw me, he climbed down, but at this point, I was pretty sick of the whole mess. The gate keeps breaking, the picnic tables are covered in nasty graffiti, and I feel like I live in the slums. So I went to the kids and told them if I saw them climbing around on the property again, I would find out which house they belonged to and report that house to the HOA to be billed the next time something broke. The kids lipped off at me and asked why I was bothering them since *they* weren't responsible for the last gate break (says they, anyway), and I pulled out some of the same obscenities they'd been using all afternoon, including the f-bomb "shit" to try to get on their level, since clearly they don't much respect authority otherwise. I told them I was tired of seeing broken gates and tagged property, and I wasn't going to take it anymore, and I didn't care if they were responsible, but if more damage occurred because of their actions, there would be consequences to them at least indirectly. And did I mention I used the same language, only not quite as colorful, as I'd been hearing from them all afternoon.

They were - shockingly enough - soooooo offended that I would speak to them this way. I'm laughing now, but it was so insane and ridiculous in the moment that they just succeeded in making me more furious. I let them know I could hear worse than that being bandied about in the commons area - from the interior of my closed house.

So there we go. Recorded in case it needs to be referenced later. I hope this does come to some sort of head since I'm so damn fucking tired of the bullshit that passes for "common courtesy" in this slum. Can you believe I paid almost half a million goddamn dollars to live in this shithole? Nice, huh?

Indian Video Awesomesauce!

Remember Benny Lava? In case you need a refresher:


With that, I present, via Kimbaland, the reason everyone needs to vote for Obama (no, not issues - video!):

It's coffee?

To be filed under Shockingly Cute Kid Stuff:

I guess my older son sees the daycare provider nursing her baby or something since there's no way he remembers nursing with me (we finally gave up that fight when he was four months old).

Both boys were playing Zrbt Mommy's Belly today, as they are sometimes wont to do. Older son points at my chest and says, "I want to drink boobies."

"Uhhhh," sez I. "You can't drink my boobies. They don't have milk anymore. Besides, it would be creepy after three years of non-interest, dude."

He reaches for my chest and says, "No milk?"

Swatting his hand away, I say, "Don't touch boobies. It's not nice. No, no more milk in there."

He looks totally dejected. "Oh." Then he brightens up. "Coffee?"

LOL!

When the escape pod leaves without you....

I don't expect much during deployments. Really, all I ask is for the opportunity to maintain my sanity through periodic absences from the house, without the kids.

I was supposed to go to a writer's meeting today, at which I'd meet up with friends I haven't seen in a few years, critique and be critiqued before I submit to a contest tomorrow, eat a fabulous catered lunch I didn't have to prepare, and get the paperwork to upgrade my membership status within the association.

But no. My sitter is sick, and I have no back-up sitters. And oh, gee! Lookit that. We're over a thousand miles away from family, so nobody there to come to my rescue.

It feels like I'm on a ship that's heading towards a black hole, and the escape pod left without me. Time is slowing down, yet the event horizon is imminent. Feh. What's so great about sanity, anyway? I bet it's highly overrated.

In other news, my neighbors have started thumping their craptastic music. I'm going to pull out my voodoo on them and cover their front doorsteps with hotfoot powder, handmade just for them.

It's True Love....

Since YodaMan is deployed, I didn't expect anything for Valentine's Day. In fact, as I've mentioned to Rookie Army Wife, I don't even bother thinking about or celebrating any special days anymore - not my birthday, not Mother's Day, and certainly not Valentine's Day. It's just not worth it to give it any thought when there's every likelihood nobody's going to be around to remember it or make a big deal over it. And after 13 years of living the Navy wife life, I've learned it's so much easier to have zero expectations and to treat it like any other day, so that if, by some miracle, it is commemorated in some way, it's a special day. If not, there's no feeling bummed out or any more lonely than I would be any other day.

Yesterday morning, YodaMan called. There's something! I've barely heard from him in e-mail lately, and I certainly wasn't expecting a phone call until at least March given the phone call track record last deployment. But that was really cool and a nice way to start my day. He let me know to expect a package yesterday. Unfortunately, the DHL asshats tried to deliver it while I was out, and even though I've given them the gate code three times now, they left without dropping it off. Feh. I called DHL and reminded them what the code is, so when I got home from Costco today, the package was by the front door.

And now begins the awesomesauce that I received. Glory in my geekiness that I find this the most awesome V-Day pressie he's ever given me (well, except for that time when I had gained soooooo much weight and couldn't wear my engagement ring anymore, and he got it resized when I wasn't looking; but it only ties with this one).

Please keep in mind I'm pretty atypical in what I think makes a cool gift. Flowers are nice, but they die, and really, it seems like such a waste of money. Jewelry is purty, except I rarely wear any. Candy is full of nasty chemicals I don't need in my body. So what's a guy to do to impress me? Read on!

So I got both of these:

I think the "I'm blogging this." pair references the various conversations we've had, where he's said something completely outrageous, and my response has been, "Dude, I'm so blogging that." Then, I also received the bottom two pair here:

The pink and red pair crack me up, but I guess he was more going for some sign as to whether he could expect nookie from me or not.

And, last and best of all, a babydoll tee:


He's so romantic! LOL

I swear, if this doesn't prove how well he knows me and how much he adores me, I don't know what does*....

:le sigh:

ETA: Next year, I hope he gets me something from here or here.

*Short of dropping his letter. That will be the best gift he ever gives me.

It's Official

YodaMan received his orders for the IA. Thank the gods, it's only the 6 month IA. But still.

I hear this fantastic news after lots of silence since they left, then a smattering of e-mails the last few days. Why all of a sudden? Oh, they're in Japan. I got some great stories about drinking habusake. Yeah. Party as usual.

I know it's been a rough deployment for them (and it only just started), but can I just say one more time how completely annoying it is to hear about all the cool stuff they occasionally get to do and see while I'm back home with the two wee sprogs? Don't get me wrong. I want to hear about it. I want to know that he is getting some down time and gathering great stories. It's just after almost three weeks of the usual deployment problems AND cuddling my 3 year-old through his tears and lamentations about Daddy and how the ship is "yucky," I really couldn't give a shit about buying china or drinking vodka in which a dead cobra's been marinating. I really couldn't. In fact, the more fun he has, the more I resent it all. And the more my son commits random acts of violence and then falls on the floor crying for Daddy (and not in the oh-shit-I'm-in-trouble-pull-the-Daddy-card thing - it's atypical for him to throw a toy, bite a piece of furniture, or hit his favorite stuffed animal even as he starts crying about the yucky ship and that he wants Daddy now), the more I resent the decision to stay in the Navy.

Frankly, I'm not even sure the retirement is worth it. And that's assuming we get it.

And now he's got an IA. He's got an IA that was handed to him when he offered to take it in exchange for getting orders to a somewhat laid-back position in Colorado (ETA: and he didn't even get those orders, but he sure got the IA anyway). He's got one when he's been hearing dread tales of the IA crunch, that "it's not a matter of if but when now," and yet nobody else is getting tagged.

Best case scenario, I'll see my husband for three weeks this year. Absolute best case. Best case scenario, he actually will get his orders to Monterey and won't get fucked into yet another horrible job. But reality says that this shit won't be over until he's out.

And today, I'd sell my soul if it meant our family could be free of these shackles.

Today, I hate everything. No, I take that back. Since I got home this afternoon, I hate everything. So to help me process this and focus that hatred on the people who deserve it rather than blanket vitriol, I present 10 reasons Shrub can kiss my ass:

10. Axis of Evil, which leads to war in Iraq, which leads to dick-swinging threats against Iran and, to a lesser extent, North Korea [cue music.... Rone-reeeee! I'm so rone-reeeee!]
9. He hates education and literacy, which isn't surprising considering he admits that he doesn't read
8. Three words: stem cell research. Limiting lines? Check. Lines are mostly shite and don't work? Check. Forcing science into the crapper in the US? Check. Denying possible treatment for horrible diseases and injuries to living, breathing humans? Check. Continuing to support the creation of embryos for fertility treatments, and the embryos then become biological waste when the parents no longer need them? Check.
7. The budget deficit
6. Abstinence only education
5. Faith-based initiatives, especially when James Towey (Bush's faith-based initiative guy) said straight up that Pagans are only interested in converting people and wouldn't know charity if it bit them.
4. Torture
3. I won't even go into reproductive rights. I will, however, tag the fact that he wants to eliminate coverage of birth control for federal employees. I bet Viagra's still covered, though.
2. Hager, Towey, Rove, Cheney, Rumsfeld... this list could get long, so I'll just leave you with ellipsis........
1. Patent disregard for freedom of religion, not just before he was president but also during. Most recently, he snubbed the widow of a Wiccan soldier, Patrick Stewart, whose fight to finally allow a Wiccan religious symbol on military headstones was successful. Americans United said in a press release announcing the ten-year fight had finally been won that the recent push against Wiccans' rights was due to the Bush administration's stance on Wicca even before Bush was president. *

* A quote for you:
"I don't think witchcraft is a religion. I would hope the military officials would take a second look at the decision they made." G.W. Bush (R), as Governor of Texas. Interviewed on ABC's Good Morning America, 1999-JUN-24. He disapproved of Wiccan soldiers being given the same religious rights as others in the military.

What??

I just saw a clip of The Shrub on CNN speaking to a group of conservatives about supporting the next Republican candidate regardless of who it is (in other words, even if it's McCain cuz he's so much more smarterer than The Decider and is therefore The Threatener): "Peace and prosperity hang in the balance!!!!"

I'm so confused.

Peace? Like declaration of an Axis of Evil that opens the door to war? Like war in Iraq? Sure, I'll give you Afghanistan. That was absotively the right move IMHO, even when I'm in my can't-we-all-just-get-along moments. But Iraq... for the sole purpose of eliminating the cost of Operations Southern Watch and Northern Watch? Really? Peace?

And prosperity? Like what we have now? Where the economy is in the shitter and the housing market has tanked throughout the country? Where layoffs are becoming status quo and our deficit has -unbelievably- gone from non-existent to so bad, the US probably couldn't qualify for a secured credit card with a limit of $250? Yeah? Prosperity?

What you mean to say, Mr. The Shrub, is that the Republican party needs to support the next candidate because with luck he'll be a fiscal conservative like Clinton was and maybe possibly somehow dig our asses out of this trench you've managed to bulldoze for us. But for the war? Well, I can't see how we'll be free of this cluster you've created within the foreseeable future. And in the end, it'll cost more to have had this war than it would have to continue with Northern Watch and Southern Watch another twenty years. I guess the only good thing about Iraq is at least Hussein's out and some other asshole can throw the country into Dark Ages II.

Wow. I feel quite snarky today.

A Smattering of Everything

First, a stunning endorsement of Budget Rental Cars. I've driven a ton of rentals in my life, and never, in all the times I've accidentally forgotten some random item in the car, have I been contacted regarding the item... and certainly never has the rental company shipped it to me free of charge! Budget did both. I received a postcard about my cell phone charger cord, called the number of the rental office, and a week later had my precious cord in hand. Amazing! Not only were they incredibly affordable, they have awesome customer service all around. Bonus - if you use USAA insurance, you get a discount with Budget. Ching!

Now for a moment of snark. What the f*ck is wrong with our government? The military is throwing out all kinds of signing bonuses to folks just to get people to enlist, and retention bonuses (such as the ones I snarked about recently) seem to be coming more frequently and in larger numbers than my churning stomach can handle. How the hell is this move - taking away the only reason most of us are still putting up with the bollocks that is the military life - going to support all their recruiting and retention efforts? If they truly do take away the retirement benefits in this manner, and if they grandfather that new policy in, we're so out of here, and the only regard I'd be giving to the Navy is a big, fat middle finger and a sayo-fucking-nara. I can understand some will be suckered into enlisting or diving into a soul-eating commission in exchange for what would still be a fairly nice retirement benefit, but once they see the waste that is laid to the family in the wake of a military lifestyle, they won't stay. They can't. There's no reason to stick it out that long when they can take a cheesy little signing bonus, serve out a few years, and jump into a more lucrative civilian job with more stability and fewer familial stressors. Okay, there's one reason: people who don't have the education or aptitude conducive to a successful or lucrative civilian livelihood. They'll stay. But seriously, some of those don't even really have the education or aptitude required to be a good soldier, sailor, airman, marine, whatever. They're in the military now but luckily are mostly eclipsed by competent and hard-working cohorts interested in a successful military.

It seems the world is full of high fucktardery. Thanks to Kimba for finding and sharing that article in the Navy Times.

In other news, I had a stunning revelation today. The two years I spent in Bahrain were fruitful ones. I learned so much. I found insight into the mindset of Gulf Arabs and came to comprehend why peace in the Middle East is a pipe dream. I discovered the wonderful, giving, hospitable nature of Gulf Arabs, who go to great lengths to ensure their guests feel welcome, regardless of the annoyance we might cause. I learned that India MTV is hilarious, 24 has to be watched in order to understand a lick of it, islands in the middle of the Arabian Sea are HUMID even in 120 degree heat, juice is best fresh and au natural, it's stifling under an abaya no matter what the women tell you, roundabouts are scarier than fundies in office, SIM cards for cell phones are a pain in the ass, religious freedom is a good thing (especially when you're neither Muslim nor Christian, and you're not even -gasp- a Jew), and open-air seafood markets will make anyone consider a vegetarian lifestyle. But there's one thing I learned that eclipses all of this. It is the key to a true utopian society and the reason that the Middle East hasn't completely collapsed:

Mutabel is manna from heaven and, when served with fresh, warm, Turkish bread, makes even the gods weep.

All right, back to writing. I have more pages than I care to admit still left before my first due date... mostly because I'm pretty sure I'll be ditching the bulk of what I've already written. :sob:

I <3 Jerry O'Connell

Consider me a fan even back when he starred with Wil Wheaton (:pantpant:) and ... uh that drug addict guy in Stand By Me. Yes, I'm that much of a geek.

Enjoy this delightful parody of Tom Cruise and his latest crazy:



Totally ganked from imaginary binky. Win!